Relational Maturity: Detached Interdependence
Relationships are hard work! Yes, the synergy of more than one is exponential and the camaraderie of many is fulfilling. However, the ying to all of that positive yang is the challenge of being in relationship with people.
It’s more than clashing with egos and navigating strong opinions. It is also evidenced in the way we make conscious or sub-conscious choices to set boundaries or ignore the boundaries of others which leads to emotional enmeshment, co-dependacy, and failed expectations.
To rise above the challenges takes a high level of emotional maturity, and if a group makes that choice collectively, extraordinary things are likely to happen. It’s called detached interdependence. Here’s how it looks practically…
Consider Phil Jackson, NBA coach with eleven (11) championship rings. How did he manage the relational challenges? He writes in Sacred Hoops, “Yet even in this highly competitive world, I’ve discovered that when you free players to use all their resources – mental, physical, and spiritual – an interesting shift in awareness occurs. When players practice what is known as mindfulness – simply paying attention to what’s actually happening – not only do they play better and win more, they also become more attuned with each other. And the joy they experience working in harmony is a powerful motivating force that comes from deep within, not from some coach pacing along the sidelines, shouting obscenities into th air.”
Robert Quinn, professor at the Ross School of Business – University of Michigan, notices in his book, Building Bridges as You Walk on It that Jackson “paints two contrasting pictures.” One picture is the frenzied coach who tends to be the “model of good, hard-nosed leadership,” even though he/she looks a bit emotionally unbalanced. The other picture is of a group with large egos who seems to have surrendered their egos and have become “inner-directed and other-focused.” That may seem like a picture from the dream world instead of the “real” world until you consider the legacy of a coach like Jackson. How many rings?
Detached interdependencee means that I transcend my need to be control, to become emotional enmeshed with others, having every little circumstance dictate my feelings, and remain on the verge of rage. In short, being a reactive person.
Instead, it’s about adopting a process whereby we can be both humble and strong. When we are in the state of detached interdependence we have clarity of purpose and we are not defined by our relationships. I often use the phrase: confidently humble. Again, inner-directed and other-focused; experienced by others as relational maturity.
What if we pursued such relational maturity?
What if we know our mission; having a clear purpose?
I would propose we would not only be true to ourselves we would also model a life of authenticity and credibility to others!
Not Everyone Wants to Transform!
A Fable
Joyce comes to work on time and for the most part completes her tasks according to spec. She seems willing to do a little extra and seems to smile but you just sense there is something more. You can’t put your finger on it. She offers to give up some of her hours to another employee who she says, “Needs the hours more than me.” She even volunteers for behind-the-scene jobs that others shy away from. Overall, she doesn’t seem to rock the boat and admirably earns her paycheck.
Yet, you notice at times she’s distracted. Her conversations turn to troubled family members and sick pets. The most disgruntled employees are drawn to want to do a job “with her” more than anyone else. While she never seems to initiate gossip she attracts it like a summer bug light.
On a particularly challenging day at work with time-crunched deadlines looming Joyce ignores her manager’s urging to “pick up the pace.” In the midst of the fray she launches into a story with another manager about her home-life. As the deadline draws closer her pace or mood do not rise to the challenge. She’s just “there.” Another manager, noticing the lassie-faire approach, steps in to get the job done and complete the task. Problem averted? Not so fast.
A major piece of the component was missing as it was shipped to the client. Within minutes of arrival the disgruntled customer contacted the front office and Joyce’s manager had to face the reality. Frustrated by the low performance of his team and his lack-luster approach to leadership he invited Joyce and her team-mates to a meeting. Joyce was annoyed. In some of her responses the manager could sense a “what’s the big deal” attitude. He concluded by saying I have to document this for upper management. Joyce was livid and her toxic attitude seeped into the room as she spewed, “This has never happened to me before!”
It’s been two weeks and she’s still ticked about it. Her body language is closed. Her forced smiles are twisted with cynicism and her repeated message is, “I just want my freak’n paycheck.”
I confess, as a personal coach I would want Joyce to change. I would want to come alongside of her and offer a safe space for her to transform her life. However, I have to face my reality: not everyone wants to transform. Some people would rather make the choice to be toxic than to change. Being negative is comfortable for them. Dr. Phil would say “it’s working” for them.
People like Joyce won’t fit into an open system where personal responsibility is encouraged and serving beyond your self-interests is valued. At the end of the day she will not make the choice for the greater good. Does this mean Joyce is not valued as a human being? Absolutely not, she is valued. However, that does not mean that she is the RIGHT PERSON for the culture.
John C. Johnson, Ph.D., says, “Though we would like to change people what we really need to focus on is the culture of the organization.” People like Joyce will play bumper cars with a healthy culture as a subconscious past-time.
Dr. Johnson exposes the choice a transformational leader may indeed have to face, “The culture will be healthier when this type of person is removed.”
Are You Anxious? (Can You Identify with the JetBlue Flight Attendant?)
Whether or not you have any interest in studying organizational and behavioral theory most of us find ourselves in the midst of workplace situations that at times annoys us enough to spike our blood pressure, leads us to gossip, or in extreme cases – like the JetBlue flight attendant – might motivate us to cuss someone out, grab two beers, and pull the chute. In any case we are faced with a decision to ride it out, consult the HR department, or confront the “situation” (person) head on. None of those guarantee freedom from anxiety.
Jeffrey Miller begins his book The Anxious Organization with this simple premise, “If you work in any organization at all, you work in an anxious organization. How do I know for sure? There is no other kind. All organizations are anxious organizations.” Oh great! That’s encouraging! So I read further, “Anxiety is the instinctive response of any living organization to a perceived threat…Anxiety is simple a state of alert, of heightened readiness to respond.”
With all the external and internal forces slamming into organizations like an atomic reactor no wonder there’s anxiety. Many organizations learn how to deal with external forces like competition, revenue, customer demands, skilled workers, et cetera. However, most internal threats are not “named and openly discussed by leaders.” Depending on the leadership they are either ignored or legislated leaving people with real emotions with no clear outlets for dealing with their anxiety in a healthy way. Our rational mind says, “Get over it! Suck it up! Move on!” while our emotional system screams, “Unfair! This needs to be fixed! I can’t handle this any longer!” Miller suggests that individuals and organizations can function most effectively if we choose to notice our feelings and then, learn to think about the emotional system. Got it! A key to a healthy well-being both personally and organizationally is deal with emotions. What does that mean?
What if the malcontent who is causing us discomfort gets fired, would we be less anxious? No!
What if our boss suddenly hires a therapist, would we be less anxious? No!
What if we controlled everyone at work, would we be less anxious? Nice try…but no!
You know what’s coming. The real issue is US; the way we handle our own anxiety no matter what may be happening around us or to us. This is more than just taking care of ourselves, which is truly important. More than that, the decision we make to control our own anxiety will impact the organization. In fact, Miller goes this far, “Any member of an organization can change the system by changing their own behavior.”
The First Step (aka Establishing a Boundary)
If we want to be serious about facing our own anxiety and dealing with it in a healthy way the first step is to ask the right question. The wrong question is, “What can I do without making someone mad? Translated, “How can I control the reactions of people?” Ouch…that may sting but it’s the truth. We must grasp the reality that there is nothing we can do without incurring someone’s displeasure. There are no painless solutions to anxiety, whether our own or the organization’s.
Therefore, the first step is to take responsibility. Miller calls it “taking an I-Position: An I-Position states what you believe to be true and valid despite the emotional pressures of the situation.” Not only does this posture leave us taking ownership of our own emotions it let’s others know how we will respond going forward.
This does not give us a license to manipulate, bully, or cast away compassion. Rather, it is gives us freedom to look past the issues and bring our best healthy self to any situation, no matter how volatile it may be.
Is this easy? By no means, it may even raise our anxiety a bit as we try to sort out the issues. But if we choose to stick with it, the underlying issues that fuel the conflicts will become more evident because we chose to be responsible for our own anxiety. Our responsible decision will impact the organization in a positive way.
Are you willing to take the first step? What I-Position do you need to make?
Watch the Game Film: Are We Looking Closely?
It was a relaxing day by the pool Sunday afternoon which afforded me time to get caught up on reading past issues of FastCompany. The article Watch the Game Film (June, 2010) caught my eye, in part because the authors also wrote the No. 1 New York Times best seller Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard.
The article’s premise: Coaches in the sports world at almost every competitive level have implemented some type of process to watch game films; from meticulous to obsessive it’s common practice. “In the organizational world, where every day is game day, such analysis is less common. It’s unfortunate because studying game film can yield unexpected insights.”
To make their case the authors introduced Doug Lemov, former principal and teacher, now consultant to school districts that were desperate to improve. He asked a great WHATIF question! “What if we could make teachers a little better? There was a problem, though. No one knew what made some teachers better than others. Most people thought some teachers had “it” and some teachers didn’t.” I’m avoiding the itch to diss a boat-load of some my former teachers at this point. I’ll refrain.
Lemov suspected there was “technique underneath the teaching magic – and if he could find it he could teach it.” His friend, a wedding videographer, agreed to record some teachers who had “it” in action. Five years and thousands of gigs of video later he concluded that great teachers have some things in common. Here are just two from his book Teach Like a Champion.
- Star teachers circulate around the whole space of their classrooms interacting with their students.
- Great teachers start class before the opening bell with a “Do Now” assignment on the board. Training the students to come and get started. “If a teacher can transform five minutes of ‘transition time’ into productive time, that’s like adding 15 extra class periods per school year.”
What if Lemov had not watched the game film? He would have missed the seemingly minute things that yield great results.
Yet many organizations seem leery about such practices, following up with the word “surveillance” as a push-back. They dont’ necessarily need videotape to generate new insights or gain a different perspective in their pursuit for excellence. There’s no need to put a Flip cam in the hands of workers. Maybe organizations could look at “game film” in a different way.
- What if employees were encouraged to watch the action of their team leader or the presenter from their company and write down their observations and honestly share them afterwards?
- What if after client meetings the staff debrief in order to gain optimum feedback, offering “at least one positive example and one concrete suggestion about how to improve”?
- What if senior level executives actually ask for honest feedback prompting them away from “brown-nosing” to constructive clarity.
Requesting feedback is a risky endeavor. People just may take us up on our offer and be honest with us. However, no matter how much it may sting in the moment the observations will go a long way to contribute to our personal growth and the organizations betterment.
What if you asked for honest feedback from your friends? They might actually give you the kind truth!
Working With You is KILLING ME! [Unhooking]
Have you ever checked out the discount tables at Barnes and Noble? A while back I noticed Working With You is Killing Me: Freeing Yourself from Emotional Traps at Work. Since picking it up I’ve not only been intrigued by it, but also have used it as a teaching tool to develop healthy culture for teams. Healthy individuals are a key ingredient. To that end this book addresses practical issues head-on.
Scratch under the surface of any organization and you’ll quickly learn what’s bubbling underneath the surface. “You uncover a hotbed of emotions: people feeling anxious about performance, angry with coworkers, and misunderstood by management. You find leaders who are burned out and assistants who are buried in resentment.” Even though we are being paid to perform a function we must find a way to work through whatever it may be that is making us feel stuck, unmotivated, or distressed. “They’re unable to free themselves from a bad situation.” Of all the ways to describe how one feels the authors chose the graphic word: HOOKED!
A number of circumstances can HOOK us:
We are attracted to helping someone because of a sincere desire to serve them and after a time this person wants a co-dependent relationship…and we’re HOOKED!
Someone tries to ensnare us into a situation by seeking our opinion and then use the information against us or to fuel the rumor mill…and we’re HOOKED!
With the best intentions we begin the day with a positive attitude and by lunch the toxicity has engulfed everyone…and we’re HOOKED!
What’s the answer? Quitting isn’t an option. Screaming at people would only alienate you. Staying consumed by it will mean a slow death.
How do you get UNHOOKED? If you change your reaction you can change your life. What if you commit to changing your reaction to emotionally upsetting situations?
Four essential steps to UNHOOKING:
- UNHOOK Physically: Practice healthy ways of physically releasing negativity – breathing deeply, releasing anger; making the choice to return and eventually engage.
- UNHOOK Mentally: Looking at a difficult situation from a fresh perspective (internal version of talking yourself down from the ledge) – taking a moment to view circumstances objectively and find practical options.
- UNHOOK Verbally: Focusing on your overall goal rather than being stuck in the petty details – getting agreement on facts and seeking resolution while avoiding the need to be right.
- UNHOOK with a Business Tool: Depersonalize challenging situations by providing objective ways to deal with reality – stating positively what you will do going forward, develop a system, measure performance, write memo, email, etc.
Unhooking is not easy nor does it happen all at once. The very nature of barbs on a hook are to sink deep and secure its prey. Therefore, the process of unhooking will require intentional effort and planning. Yet with the right skills, support of others, and time, you will eventually begin to experience the freedom of feeling UNHOOKED!
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