‘Tis The Season to Listen
This is the time of year when so much is vying for our attention it can be somewhat difficult to know how to listen. The traditional Christmas Carol asks the question:
Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy
Do you hear what I hear?
Ringing through the sky shepherd boy
Do you hear what I hear?
While sitting around our Advent wreath last week with some friends of ours we contemplated these words from author Henri Nouwen: “The word ‘listening’ in Latin is obedire, and audire means ‘listening with great attention.’ That is where the word ‘obedience’ comes from. The Latin word for not listening, being deaf, is absurd. If you are absolutely not listening, that is where the word ‘absurd’ comes from. So it might be interesting to note that somebody who is not listening is leading an absurd life…”
It would be easy to spend the week before Christmas being absurd.
Listening has nothing to do with our hearing capabilities. I have met many deaf people who can truly listen and know many people with perfectly fine hearing who are quite absurd. The challenge for us, in this season of noise who live in the Age of Information, is to make the intentional choice to listen.
Join me in choosing to spend this week before Christmas truly listening. I wonder what we will hear. Here are just some of the things I have listened to already. I look forward to and anticipate hearing so much more:
- The depth of the lyrics of a Christmas Carol and the skill of those who perform it.
- The well-wishes of acquaintances who look me in the eye, pauses for a brief moment, and say, “Merry Christmas!”
- The loneliness of those who experience another holiday without someone they once held dear; grieving their loss.
- The stories, laughter, and passion of friends who make the choice to live in deep and rich community with me.
- The silence; when all is turned off except the lights of a Christmas tree (and the burning of some candles).
- The bells of the Salvation Army: the committed volunteer who rings in the cold, the tradition of the red kettle, those who administrate the funds, and those who receive the kindness of others.
- The words of Linus (A Charlie Brown Christmas) when he recites Luke 2:1-20, in response to the screaming question of Charlie Brown, “Isn’t there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?”
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I look forward to hearing so much more…as long as I make the choice to listen!
One more thing, I would enjoy hearing from you about what you are listening to…
Spend More Time Being Interested Than Being Interesting
Aware that some of your most recent conversations with people have been a bit one-sided you entered the break area. At first blush the conversation between two people in the middle of room looked engaging. You positioned yourself within ear shot of your co-workers. Talk was accentuated with bits of laughter. There weren’t the obvious signs of displeasure or uneasiness. From what you could see it was just commonplace sharing. Yet, your ears hear something your eyes don’t detect. It really wasn’t a shared conversation. Rather, it was one dominant overly chatty person monopolizing the air space.
You ask yourself, “Could it be true this happens often with people?”
Not wanting to appear nosy but certainly willing to eavesdrop, you tune in and take two steps closer. Appearing to make your way to the coffee pot you can hear more clearly that this dialog was a choreographed monologue. The sentences were run-ons. One random thought gave over to another. What appeared to be engagement by the listener was really a catatonic state of boredom accentuated with a few nods and smiles. As you take your last sips from your coffee mug you realize it’s been ten minutes since you entered the room.
The minutes progressed and another person was subjected to a relational plight: too many of us spend an excessive amount of time talking.
The problem isn’t just the over talking. The consequence of this behavior is the clear-cut message we are sending, “What I have to say is more interesting than what you have to share!” Oh, we don’t say that but the message is clear. Whether you are in the break area, conference room, coffee shop, or dining room table we may just be giving a message that we don’t want others to receive.
Today’s Blog title is a quote from Jim Collins which he shared in a recent Chick-fil-A Leadercast. It’s a simple and profound truth: spend more time being interested than being interesting. This advice transcends the workplace and can be applied to any relationship.
What do you do if you find yourself running-over-at-the-mouth?
- Be okay with who you are. When we are in a bad place or feeling inadequate or fearful it is a normal reaction to compensate by talking. It is a subconscious reaction to control the emotions we may be feeling and to stave off any embarrassment. The solution is a long-term mindset of humble confidence.
- Approach people with the intent on learning something. This is the foundation of what Collins is suggesting. Rather than seeking to impress or even fill the dead space, the goal is to bring value to the other person. The easiest way to do that is by intentionally wanting to learn…be interested!
- Ask questions. Sounds so simple. Yet, in the moment this task can be a bit daunting. The extroverts may have an edge here but don’t be intimidated. I remember years ago memorizing a series of three questions I could ask. I don’t think I could recall them today but at that time, they were an emotional life-saver for me as I approached people. Parenthetically, I still find myself surprised by how few people ask questions. I leave so many interchanges with not one question being asked of me.
- Listen: you have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Sounds like something I learned in Sunday school; matter of fact, it was. Be interested! If we dare to ask the question, it’s essential to have the courtesy to listen. I also find that the odds of me saying something I will regret lessons when I listen.
- Stop to breath. Whatever you want to control in the moment of the conversation a breadth is cleansing. The two seconds may seem like an eternity but it creates space for something to happen over which you have no control. Oh…come to think of it, that may be an issue in that moment. Ouch!
- As you walk away ask yourself, “I wonder if that person knew I was interested in them as a person and what he or she had to say?” This may sound perfunctory yet if you practice this discipline you will find yourself more aware over time.
What if…we spent more time being interested than being interesting?
Lead With Your Ears
I had the opportunity yesterday to spend the morning with a highly efficient team of senior leaders and senior sales reps. Their commitment to building and maintaining a healthy organization was evident from my first conversations with the COO through his communications to his team and certainly in my interaction with them.
After our time together one of the reps and I began to converse and he mentioned to me that he was grateful for our time together and for what I brought to the table. Specifically, he mentioned that often when consultants make presentations they say they want people’s feedback and interaction, yet when people respond, the “expert” cuts them off in order to make his or her point. He concluded, “You not only invited the discussion but facilitated it; asking and waiting for our involvement.”
Reflecting on his comments, I am grateful. But I feel compelled to blog about this not out of grandiosity but out of a reminder to myself to follow the advice I received from my Sunday school teachers: Lead with your ears; follow up with your tongue.
If you know me, that advice is not easy to hear (for one reason as a child I had a hard time keeping my mouth closed). According to the Myers-Briggs personality profile I am an “extrovert.” (DiSC profile labels me an “I” for Influencer.) The strengths-based movement identifies skills sets associated with my ability to communicate. I have spent a life-time honing those skills and sometimes navigating through turbulent storms created by my words.
I find myself in a season of life where there is a convergence of age and the results of intentional disciplines. More than ever, these words shared with me in the basement of the church are ringing truer. They have moved from the locked cellar of my consciousness to becoming more of a faint din affecting the way I communicate. Lead with your ears; follow up with your tongue.
We live in the Information Age. We instantaneously have access to media from around the world. I’m emailing new contacts in South Africa and Europe. Our culture is designed around the written and spoken word. True enough! And obviously, somebody has got to be listening to some of it. So what’s the point?
Lead with your ears; follow up with your tongue. It may be easy to nod in approval upon hearing this wise proverb – actually recorded in the book of James – but have you noticed how few of us actually adhere to it? I encourage you to spend some time noticing in the next few days how much of our conversations are about talking: making a point, sharing an opinion, giving an option, telling a story, et cetera. Many reading this blog have adopted the fine art of actually talking-over people (they’ve learned that it may shut the other person up for a second or two but is fruitless in the long run).
What would it be like if we choose to follow this advice: Lead with your ears? We would ask more questions and actually wait to hear the answers. We would hear what people are saying and connect with them at deeper levels. We would feel more connected to people. We would leave conversations knowing we haven’t spilled-the-beans or dumped our life’s stories on someone. We might actually be perceived as a person who genuinely cares enough to listen.
Hear me clearly; I am not advocating monastic vows of silence. I am simply learning the peace-filled benefits of what was shared with me decades ago: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue.
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