Not Everyone Wants to Transform!
A Fable
Joyce comes to work on time and for the most part completes her tasks according to spec. She seems willing to do a little extra and seems to smile but you just sense there is something more. You can’t put your finger on it. She offers to give up some of her hours to another employee who she says, “Needs the hours more than me.” She even volunteers for behind-the-scene jobs that others shy away from. Overall, she doesn’t seem to rock the boat and admirably earns her paycheck.
Yet, you notice at times she’s distracted. Her conversations turn to troubled family members and sick pets. The most disgruntled employees are drawn to want to do a job “with her” more than anyone else. While she never seems to initiate gossip she attracts it like a summer bug light.
On a particularly challenging day at work with time-crunched deadlines looming Joyce ignores her manager’s urging to “pick up the pace.” In the midst of the fray she launches into a story with another manager about her home-life. As the deadline draws closer her pace or mood do not rise to the challenge. She’s just “there.” Another manager, noticing the lassie-faire approach, steps in to get the job done and complete the task. Problem averted? Not so fast.
A major piece of the component was missing as it was shipped to the client. Within minutes of arrival the disgruntled customer contacted the front office and Joyce’s manager had to face the reality. Frustrated by the low performance of his team and his lack-luster approach to leadership he invited Joyce and her team-mates to a meeting. Joyce was annoyed. In some of her responses the manager could sense a “what’s the big deal” attitude. He concluded by saying I have to document this for upper management. Joyce was livid and her toxic attitude seeped into the room as she spewed, “This has never happened to me before!”
It’s been two weeks and she’s still ticked about it. Her body language is closed. Her forced smiles are twisted with cynicism and her repeated message is, “I just want my freak’n paycheck.”
I confess, as a personal coach I would want Joyce to change. I would want to come alongside of her and offer a safe space for her to transform her life. However, I have to face my reality: not everyone wants to transform. Some people would rather make the choice to be toxic than to change. Being negative is comfortable for them. Dr. Phil would say “it’s working” for them.
People like Joyce won’t fit into an open system where personal responsibility is encouraged and serving beyond your self-interests is valued. At the end of the day she will not make the choice for the greater good. Does this mean Joyce is not valued as a human being? Absolutely not, she is valued. However, that does not mean that she is the RIGHT PERSON for the culture.
John C. Johnson, Ph.D., says, “Though we would like to change people what we really need to focus on is the culture of the organization.” People like Joyce will play bumper cars with a healthy culture as a subconscious past-time.
Dr. Johnson exposes the choice a transformational leader may indeed have to face, “The culture will be healthier when this type of person is removed.”
Are You Anxious? (Can You Identify with the JetBlue Flight Attendant?)
Whether or not you have any interest in studying organizational and behavioral theory most of us find ourselves in the midst of workplace situations that at times annoys us enough to spike our blood pressure, leads us to gossip, or in extreme cases – like the JetBlue flight attendant – might motivate us to cuss someone out, grab two beers, and pull the chute. In any case we are faced with a decision to ride it out, consult the HR department, or confront the “situation” (person) head on. None of those guarantee freedom from anxiety.
Jeffrey Miller begins his book The Anxious Organization with this simple premise, “If you work in any organization at all, you work in an anxious organization. How do I know for sure? There is no other kind. All organizations are anxious organizations.” Oh great! That’s encouraging! So I read further, “Anxiety is the instinctive response of any living organization to a perceived threat…Anxiety is simple a state of alert, of heightened readiness to respond.”
With all the external and internal forces slamming into organizations like an atomic reactor no wonder there’s anxiety. Many organizations learn how to deal with external forces like competition, revenue, customer demands, skilled workers, et cetera. However, most internal threats are not “named and openly discussed by leaders.” Depending on the leadership they are either ignored or legislated leaving people with real emotions with no clear outlets for dealing with their anxiety in a healthy way. Our rational mind says, “Get over it! Suck it up! Move on!” while our emotional system screams, “Unfair! This needs to be fixed! I can’t handle this any longer!” Miller suggests that individuals and organizations can function most effectively if we choose to notice our feelings and then, learn to think about the emotional system. Got it! A key to a healthy well-being both personally and organizationally is deal with emotions. What does that mean?
What if the malcontent who is causing us discomfort gets fired, would we be less anxious? No!
What if our boss suddenly hires a therapist, would we be less anxious? No!
What if we controlled everyone at work, would we be less anxious? Nice try…but no!
You know what’s coming. The real issue is US; the way we handle our own anxiety no matter what may be happening around us or to us. This is more than just taking care of ourselves, which is truly important. More than that, the decision we make to control our own anxiety will impact the organization. In fact, Miller goes this far, “Any member of an organization can change the system by changing their own behavior.”
The First Step (aka Establishing a Boundary)
If we want to be serious about facing our own anxiety and dealing with it in a healthy way the first step is to ask the right question. The wrong question is, “What can I do without making someone mad? Translated, “How can I control the reactions of people?” Ouch…that may sting but it’s the truth. We must grasp the reality that there is nothing we can do without incurring someone’s displeasure. There are no painless solutions to anxiety, whether our own or the organization’s.
Therefore, the first step is to take responsibility. Miller calls it “taking an I-Position: An I-Position states what you believe to be true and valid despite the emotional pressures of the situation.” Not only does this posture leave us taking ownership of our own emotions it let’s others know how we will respond going forward.
This does not give us a license to manipulate, bully, or cast away compassion. Rather, it is gives us freedom to look past the issues and bring our best healthy self to any situation, no matter how volatile it may be.
Is this easy? By no means, it may even raise our anxiety a bit as we try to sort out the issues. But if we choose to stick with it, the underlying issues that fuel the conflicts will become more evident because we chose to be responsible for our own anxiety. Our responsible decision will impact the organization in a positive way.
Are you willing to take the first step? What I-Position do you need to make?
Working With You is KILLING ME! [Unhooking]
Have you ever checked out the discount tables at Barnes and Noble? A while back I noticed Working With You is Killing Me: Freeing Yourself from Emotional Traps at Work. Since picking it up I’ve not only been intrigued by it, but also have used it as a teaching tool to develop healthy culture for teams. Healthy individuals are a key ingredient. To that end this book addresses practical issues head-on.
Scratch under the surface of any organization and you’ll quickly learn what’s bubbling underneath the surface. “You uncover a hotbed of emotions: people feeling anxious about performance, angry with coworkers, and misunderstood by management. You find leaders who are burned out and assistants who are buried in resentment.” Even though we are being paid to perform a function we must find a way to work through whatever it may be that is making us feel stuck, unmotivated, or distressed. “They’re unable to free themselves from a bad situation.” Of all the ways to describe how one feels the authors chose the graphic word: HOOKED!
A number of circumstances can HOOK us:
We are attracted to helping someone because of a sincere desire to serve them and after a time this person wants a co-dependent relationship…and we’re HOOKED!
Someone tries to ensnare us into a situation by seeking our opinion and then use the information against us or to fuel the rumor mill…and we’re HOOKED!
With the best intentions we begin the day with a positive attitude and by lunch the toxicity has engulfed everyone…and we’re HOOKED!
What’s the answer? Quitting isn’t an option. Screaming at people would only alienate you. Staying consumed by it will mean a slow death.
How do you get UNHOOKED? If you change your reaction you can change your life. What if you commit to changing your reaction to emotionally upsetting situations?
Four essential steps to UNHOOKING:
- UNHOOK Physically: Practice healthy ways of physically releasing negativity – breathing deeply, releasing anger; making the choice to return and eventually engage.
- UNHOOK Mentally: Looking at a difficult situation from a fresh perspective (internal version of talking yourself down from the ledge) – taking a moment to view circumstances objectively and find practical options.
- UNHOOK Verbally: Focusing on your overall goal rather than being stuck in the petty details – getting agreement on facts and seeking resolution while avoiding the need to be right.
- UNHOOK with a Business Tool: Depersonalize challenging situations by providing objective ways to deal with reality – stating positively what you will do going forward, develop a system, measure performance, write memo, email, etc.
Unhooking is not easy nor does it happen all at once. The very nature of barbs on a hook are to sink deep and secure its prey. Therefore, the process of unhooking will require intentional effort and planning. Yet with the right skills, support of others, and time, you will eventually begin to experience the freedom of feeling UNHOOKED!
Is Your Culture Open or Closed
A sales professional was telling me recently about her work environment which was fast becoming negative because of restructuring due to the economy. Searching for ways to explain what happened she said, “Before we were open – sharing, conversing, bouncing ideas off each other. And then things changed. It’s like we shut down. The new arrivals were not open to ideas nor did they want to share their successes or challenges.”
A desire to improve was replaced with a willingness to settle.
A belief that people could transform was replaced with the status quo.
A desire for engagement and feedback was replaced with independence and exclusiveness.
A sense of enjoyment was replaced with drudgery.
And, confidence was replaced with defensiveness.
John Johnson, Ph.D. refers to this as an OPEN and CLOSED environment or system. Just as our bodies reveal signs of being closed – crossing of the arms or avoiding eye-contact – so cultures have distinguishing signs.
At the outset we need to remember that closed cultures are fearful cultures. While it may seem initially open, this type of system fosters a suspicion of new people and new ideas to the point of intentionally limiting the discussion of new approaches and casting a pale of doubt when a new person joins the team. Depending on the make-up of the team members the “keepers of the closed culture” manage (control) it with passive-aggressive behavior. If that manipulation doesn’t work it moves to more aggressive actions.
Being part of this closed culture may feel a bit “cultish.” Actually, it feels that way because a closed culture has many of the characteristics of a cult.
- People are stifled; input and feedback is squelched.
- Possibilities are suffocated; there is a belief that there is no better way.
- Change is not tolerated; transformation is not welcomed.
An open system is quite the opposite. This culture is alive and transformational:
There is a belief that individuals can improve; transformation is embraced and encouraged.
Not only are new ideas welcomed but new people are welcomed; bringing with them a new perspective and therefore, opening up new possibilities.
Discussions are lively; when everyone contributes it cultivates interdependence.
Because people are inspired to develop their potential the team flourishes and the organization prospers.
Sure, an open culture requires boundaries. Rather than “rule-keepers” enforcing a set of legal restrictions, people are guided by boundaries which value human beings, respect the process, and foster a productive community.
It’s often fluid and a bit messy. It requires leaders who will step into their role of shaping the environment by speaking the kind truth and serving the team. Dr. Johnson emphasizes, “This type of leader will learn the difference between an open and a closed culture and seek to foster the healthiest of environments.”
On the continuum of OPEN or CLOSED – how would you rate the different cultures of which you are a part?
[Systems to consider: family, work group, team, religious gatherings (local church, small group, denomination), volunteer organizations, et cetera]
All About The STORY and the LESSON!
When the weekly edition of Sports Illustrated arrives it isn’t the first priority read. ( I know what you’re thinking…except for the Swim Suit edition 
but I’m not going there!) The magazine gets placed on the top of a pile awaiting a thirty minute time frame for me to look at the “Leading Off” pictures and then scan the “Lineup” for stories. I wouldn’t consider myself an avid fan of sports as much as I am interested in the stories of sports, this week being no exception. For instance:
My DVR is not set to record the major events of tennis. However, I was interested in why Serna Williams just might be labeled “the greatest female player of her generation…or greatest of all.”
I attend one Tiger’s game a year and do not watch regular season games. However, I am drawn to the story of the why the Pittsburg Pirates are a “futile franchise.”
Whether it’s Michael Phelps’s training routine (including the Ann Arbor restaurants he frequented), Brett Favre’s indecisiveness, the blown-call by an ump in Detroit which really stole a perfect game from pitcher Armando Galarraga, or Phil Mickelson’s triumphs on the golf course and support of his cancer-stricken wife, I am more of a reader of the stories than a watcher of the event.
It’s the stories which lure me. Personal stories: more than just winning and defeat, failure and success. It is the narrative of life. It’s about facing challenges – imposed by self-debilitating choices, other’s self-absorption, or simply part of life’s ebb-and-flow. It is about persevering in spite of all odds to do the right thing as much as it is about facing the consequences with integrity and grace. Stories elicit feelings of empathy, inspiration, encouragement, sadness, wonder, et cetera.
Given my life’s passion to help people Transform Their Life this probably isn’t surprising. It is rare for me not to find a lesson in each story on which I ponder and given my propensity to teach, often share with a willing or not-so-willing listener.
Since you’ve read this far in today’s blog you can make the choice to be today’s listener:
Don Coryell – the “Godfather” of today’s NFL passing game recently passed away. While a feature piece, surprisingly that isn’t THE story. Rather it is a short inset entitled “Good Things Were Going To Happen” (by Tim Layden). Hall of Fame quarterback Dan Fouts recounted Coryell’s unique approach to the game and the players: “There was a feeling that you wanted to be there [practice], you wanted to be on the field, because good things were going to happen.”
What type of coach would create such an anticipatory and positive culture? Fouts recalls, “I don’t ever remember him going crazy mad at someone. I know he never had a cross word for me…He was just so positive.” There’s the lesson. He kept the players focused on the goal and lived with a positive attitude. We may not be in a position to affect the entire culture of the organizations with which we associate but there is a narrative we can write: our approach to life. Keep our eyes on the goal and be positive!
Let me know how you’re doing…
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mark@whatifenterprises.com
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