The Sacred Piece of Transformation
“The process of transformation is always bigger than we are!”
Robert Quinn, Change the World
Early this summer I received a message on my Facebook page from a from a former student in the youth ministry in Florida we were part of in the early 90′s. It was entitled “Wow! It’s do good to connect.” Now married with multiple children she connected me with other “kids-now-adults” and the scores of their own children. It wasn’t long before she let me know the role I played in her life and how she is a different person because of the time we spent together.
It is one of the joys of life to know that somehow you had the privilege to be involved in the transformation of another person. It’s humbling and awe-inspiring at the same time. Let’s be honest, without the human interaction – which spurs the change – there is no transformation. At the same time, without something larger happening, there is no transformation. Here’s the tension: we are necessary, but insufficient.
Something sacred is happening.
Quinn puts it this way, “We become aware of our own simultaneous potential and dependence. We awaken to the sacred potential that is in living systems. What I want to suggest is that all human systems, no matter how secular, are also sacred in that all seeds of potential transformation exist.”
Each one of us can contribute to the transformational process. It isn’t about a title or position. It doesn’t matter if your in senior management or the head of your family. Each of us has can be a transformational person; making a “significant contribution to positive change in ourselves, our relationships, and in any organization or culture in which we take part.” That makes us change agents.
Being a transformational person has little or nothing to do with ability or location on an org chart. It has everything to do with our inner world: clarity of purpose, living by a set of values, bringing that congruence in our thoughts and behaviors as we move from self-serving to actually serving others as we expect nothing in return, and being open to the possibilties around us.
I am grateful for the role I played in the lives of those kids in the youth group. The volunteers who served with me thoroughly planned and executed events with crushing regularity and built relationships with heart-gushing intentionality. And…it wasn’t about us then and it isn’t about us now. As significant as we were, we were insufficient to make the changes happen. That’s the sacred piece of transformation.
What if we approached our interactions with the reality we are needed…
….and the release to know it’s not about us?
Transforming: Honest Talk About Sexual Struggles
Guest Blog: Timothy F. Hogan, Psy.D. PLLC & Randy Hermann MA, LLPC
If you have the courage to take a look at your sexual struggles you undoubtedly know changing unhealthy sexual thinking and behavior is hard.
Since the two of us focus our time with men, we will look at this from a male perspective. However, we think females may not be much different.
Most men – whether they “go to church” or avoid it like the plague – who struggle sexually report multiple attempts to “clean up” this area of their lives. Yet, most have stories of repeated failure.
Why is change so hard?
The primary reason for this is that the path to freedom is not a straight line. It is not something that can be grasped directly. There are no quick fixes. In fact, most men learn that traditional disciplines (try harder, think differently), even spiritual disciplines (Bible study, fasting, prayer, etc.) do not deliver men into sexual health. Accountability groups aren’t working either for the long term.
What should a man do?
The first step towards sexual freedom is to find a vision for sexual health. Sexual health is much bigger than what a man stops doing. Healthy sexuality is all about helping a man answer the question, “What kind of man do you want to be?”
The next important step is to help men understand what is the motivation. Men need to understand how sexualized thoughts and behaviors have become a way to medicate unwanted or painful emotions. In order to understand how this is working, men often need to revisit their stories, especially the times and circumstances that helped to create the unwanted behaviors. Men only find freedom after they uncover the implicit decisions they have made to not feel painful or unwanted emotions, even “good” emotions sometimes. So uncomfortable and unaware are men regarding their feelings, even emotions from positive life events can trigger old, unwanted behaviors.
Long-term recovery often demands that men reconstruct their lives, so that there is space for them to experience and work through their stress in a new way. This often involves integrating new ways to connect with their bodies through movement and exercise, connecting with their partners and friends through more honest dialogue and, we believe it includes connecting with God through new, more honest methods of prayer.
Most men find freedom with the guidance of some professional help along the way. Untangling a lifetime of self-medication through sexual fantasies and behaviors is neither simple nor obvious.
Contact Tim:www.growinghealthypassion.com
Contact Randy: www.sexaddiction-recovery.org
They practice at Grace Counseling Center – Detroit, MI
Relational Maturity: Detached Interdependence
Relationships are hard work! Yes, the synergy of more than one is exponential and the camaraderie of many is fulfilling. However, the ying to all of that positive yang is the challenge of being in relationship with people.
It’s more than clashing with egos and navigating strong opinions. It is also evidenced in the way we make conscious or sub-conscious choices to set boundaries or ignore the boundaries of others which leads to emotional enmeshment, co-dependacy, and failed expectations.
To rise above the challenges takes a high level of emotional maturity, and if a group makes that choice collectively, extraordinary things are likely to happen. It’s called detached interdependence. Here’s how it looks practically…
Consider Phil Jackson, NBA coach with eleven (11) championship rings. How did he manage the relational challenges? He writes in Sacred Hoops, “Yet even in this highly competitive world, I’ve discovered that when you free players to use all their resources – mental, physical, and spiritual – an interesting shift in awareness occurs. When players practice what is known as mindfulness – simply paying attention to what’s actually happening – not only do they play better and win more, they also become more attuned with each other. And the joy they experience working in harmony is a powerful motivating force that comes from deep within, not from some coach pacing along the sidelines, shouting obscenities into th air.”
Robert Quinn, professor at the Ross School of Business – University of Michigan, notices in his book, Building Bridges as You Walk on It that Jackson “paints two contrasting pictures.” One picture is the frenzied coach who tends to be the “model of good, hard-nosed leadership,” even though he/she looks a bit emotionally unbalanced. The other picture is of a group with large egos who seems to have surrendered their egos and have become “inner-directed and other-focused.” That may seem like a picture from the dream world instead of the “real” world until you consider the legacy of a coach like Jackson. How many rings?
Detached interdependencee means that I transcend my need to be control, to become emotional enmeshed with others, having every little circumstance dictate my feelings, and remain on the verge of rage. In short, being a reactive person.
Instead, it’s about adopting a process whereby we can be both humble and strong. When we are in the state of detached interdependence we have clarity of purpose and we are not defined by our relationships. I often use the phrase: confidently humble. Again, inner-directed and other-focused; experienced by others as relational maturity.
What if we pursued such relational maturity?
What if we know our mission; having a clear purpose?
I would propose we would not only be true to ourselves we would also model a life of authenticity and credibility to others!
Are you a “Freier”? Really, that’s a legitimate question!
Recently I decided to research my last name – FREIER – on the WordPress search engine. The first blog posted this title: “Thou shalt not be a freier.” Taken-aback, I curiously read further and found that the term “Freier” has interesting roots in the current Israeli culture. The Israeli news source Haartez.com reports over 1,000 articles that mention being a “freier” besides hundreds of articles regularly using the term in the last decade.
This is an example of the fodder consistently repeated for readers: “‘Don’t be a freier’ is practically the 11th commandment of the Israeli,” wrote Haaretz’s Benny Ziffer in 2006. This theme is apparently repeated by politicians like former Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and shoppers in department stores. The premise is clear: whatever you do, do whatever you can NOT to be a “freier.”
Why the strong stance? From what I can tell the term “sucker” isn’t even strong enough to describe what it means to be taken advantage of, so “freier” took its rightful place. One blogger wrote tongue-in-cheek, “If you set out to look for one [freier] here in Israel you will be hard pressed to find one because no one will admit to being one. A freier however is far from a mythical creature. In fact you could be standing next to one right now!” In order to make it practical he continued:
- A freier is someone who has paid for something at a price that of course you could have gotten for cheaper.
- A freier pays his parking tickets and a ridiculous TV tax that exists in Israel.
- A freier is the driver that allows another car to pass him.
- A freier is someone who does his shopping at the supermarket and then gets in line as opposed to someone who puts their half filled cart in line and then runs off to get the rest.
That may give a clearer picture but why the term “freier?” Journalist Bradley Burston gives some insight, “There is no small element of irony in the fact that the most truly heroic of Israelis fit precisely the mantle of ‘freier.’ People who give of themselves for the sake of others, people willing to do the work when no one else is, people of genuine honor, profound and silent self-esteem, people who see moral complexity without allowing themselves to be paralyzed by cynicism or seduced by simplicity.” This sheds a whole new light on the topic.
At the risk of bragging about my last name, a “freier” – at least the way modern Israel understands it – is someone who serves other people and expects nothing in return. That ideal sounds all well and good but it can lead to situations where a “freier” is taken advantage of. (This is eerily too close to home!) To counteract this phenomenon modern Israeli’s have adopted a slang, “What? Am I a freier?” We would translate it something like, “Hey! Do I look like a freier to you?”
When I asked one of the Israeli bloggers about being a “freier” she replied, “When I wrote this post I was being very tongue in cheek. Israeli’s on the whole are really a very warm people. The whole freier thing is really about not being taken advantage of as opposed to being inconsiderate of others.”
This may all sound like random and useless facts for you. But I have a question, “What if you decided that it would be okay to be a “freier” – no, not become my adopted relative – but choose to be a “freier” in the same way heroic Israelis chose to be a “freier”?
- Do the work no one else would do
- Be a person of honor
- Be inner-directed with a profound and silent self-esteem
- Be a person who sees the complexities of life
- Be positive and not paralyzed by cynicism
Wow! That’s the type of “freier” I want to be. The heroes of Israel adopted the attitude and practice of serving others. Those are people to admire! Anyone else want to be a “freier?”
Working With You is KILLING ME! [Boundaries]
continuing our thoughts from “Working With You is Killing Me”
UNHOOKING is a life-long skill we may never master but can indeed practice. It begins with boundaries.
Boundaries can cause a visceral reaction.
When I travel in northern Michigan and see a fence protecting the rolling hills of a farmland I perceive it as scenic and serene. When I see the barbed wire fence of a maximum security prison I perceive it as security and harsh. Similar reactions can happen when we talk about relational boundaries.
Boundaries are lines or parameters that define territory and protect its inhabitants. Whether you personally accept boundaries as suggestions or as permanent markers of demarcation, they exist for the purpose of safety and security in order to maintain peace. Boundaries are essential to relational well-being.
Interpersonal Boundaries are the lines or parameters that define and protect the physical, emotional, and psychological territory between individuals.
- Boundaries are invisible and they are different from person to person.
- Because they are imperceptible to the human eye and differ from person to person boundaries must be communicated.
So often we wonder why people don’t “get” our boundaries or are put off by them. Their reaction of wonderment or frustration – bordering on anger – could be fueled by our lack of communication about the boundaries we are seeking to put into place. Boundaries must be communicated. They cannot be assumed. We cannot just hope that somehow people who are unaware of how they’ve “crossed our boundary line” would absorb our boundaries by osmosis. In order not to be perceived as aloof or uncaring we must clearly and repeatedly communicate our boundaries. This doesn’t mean that our boundaries will be accepted or even understood. They just have to be communicated.
However, before we communicate our boundaries we need some self-reflection.
Boundaries to Consider and Questions to Ask?
Time Boundaries: Some people schedule their lives by time while others see time as a suggestion. For instance, the meeting at 10 am can begin anytime between 10 am and 10:30 am. The question is, “What is my relationship to time? How do I honor time boundaries?”
Personal Space Boundaries: Some people are more distant while others want a form of communal living. The question is, “How clear am I about my personal space? How can I communicate that to others while honoring their space?”
Keeping Your Word Boundaries: Some people live by the motto “you’re only as good as your word,” while others see verbal commitments as fluid. The question is, “How do I feel about being honest and living up to any commitment I make?”
Personal Information Boundaries: Some people like to “tell all” while others keep personal information closer to “the vest.” The question is, “How much information is really enough to share? Does it determine whom I am with?”
Emotional Expression Boundaries: Some people wear their emotions on their sleeve and vent regularly while others disguise it. The question is, “How important is it for me to be a person who is emotionally more on an even keel?”
Manners/Courtesy Boundaries: Some people view personal greetings as a waste of time while others communicate them regularly. The question is, “What does being cordial mean to me? How do I want to treat others?”
Noise Boundaries: Some people are comfortable with a noisy environment while others feel a bit assaulted by sounds. The question is, “How aware am I of my environment and how I affect others?” (How apropos since a few minutes ago someone came into Uptown Coffeehouse and filled the entire 2,000 square feet with her booming conversation…oblivious to the rest of the patrons! I contemplated giving her my business card but didn’t want to violate boundaries…Ha!)
Facing your conscious or unconscious boundaries takes honest reflection and is best done under the watchful eye of wisdom by someone you’ve entrusted enough to speak to you the kind truth. After this type of reflection you may have a clearer idea of your boundaries. Then, you can begin the all-important task of communicating them. Might I suggest being vividly practical by asking, “I’ve been thinking about the role of boundaries lately and I need to talk with you about it, are you open?”
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mark@whatifenterprises.com
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