Dump Your Ego
Is egoistic behavior as an expression of weakness?
Guest Blog: Ran Zilca
Dumping your ego is hard, because it’s hard to even admit you have one.
“Me? I don’t have an ego. I’m a nice guy! What are you trying to say? What nonsense have you been reading?” I’ve had the same response myself when I started thinking about this concept. A kind, well-mannered person like myself? I have no ego! (or was that actually my ego talking…?)
Let me try to explain what I mean. I see the ego is an outer shell, an external layer of protection that is built over the years. It is the belief in our self-importance that in turn reassures us that we know better and do better than anyone else. In simple words, our ego helps us lie to ourselves so we can feel better.
The cost of this “comprehensive protection package” is a much distorted perception of reality. The ego will manipulate what we see with our own eyes to show us that we are right, giving us immediate comfort. It’s comforting to think that others are to blame and that others mess up because they are simply not as smart as your magnificent self. Nine out of ten times when you think people plot against you, have hidden agendas, dare speak to you that way, and so on – your ego is making it up. However, the cost your ego deducts from your personal happiness and inner peace is very real. Research shows that people who are grateful, generous, and forgiving (“weak” from an ego perspective) are the happiest.
From a strengths perspective, I see egoistic behavior as an expression of weakness. People who are truly strong are kind, empathetic, and compassionate. Once you build some inner strength it’s time to take the next step and peel off your ego and simply be yourself. Practice random acts of kindness to people you don’t know. Help people who don’t expect your help. Be generous when it makes the least sense to. Respond to aggression with forgiveness. Be important, not self-important. You can’t keep your eyes on the road and the scenery if you keep checking your looks in the mirror. Ride Safe.
Ran Zilca is the CEO of Signal Patterns, developers of assessment and positive psychology applications. Ran’s background covers R&D leadership roles including analytics, biometrics, and software development. In addition to blogging he has authored patents and scientific journal and conference papers. His latest endeavor is learning about life “on the back of motorcycle.” www.RideOfYourLife.com
Everyday Mindset
The two questions that bring clarity to most anything we are involved in are:
What’s the successful outcome?
What’s the next action to make it happen?
This is the way David Allen began a section of the email/newsletter (“Productive Living” – 01.12.11)
No matter our role, defining outcomes and actions can be particularly challenging. But this just doesn’t apply to projects or assignments.
What about the way we approach each day?
What about our mindset? Do you ever notice how quickly our attitude can be side-tracked by interruptions (some may even be genuine) or when our own negativity and pessimism seeps in like sludge. Add to that, we probably bump into too many people who are part of the “ain’t-it-awful club” that pour fuel on our cynical spark or seek to squelch our optimism like a bucket of water.
Here’s David suggestion about the choice to think differently by beginning our day with an “outcome” mindset rhythm….
- How you’d like to feel when you wake up.
- How you’d like the meeting to turn out.
- What kind of energy you’d like to have all during the day.
- How you’d like the people close to you to feel.
- What you’d like to have accomplished.
- How relaxed you could be.
- How much fun you could have.
- What good you could do.
- What joy you could spread.
- How you’d like your desk to look.
- What peace you could bring.
- What loving you could share.
- What sense of connection you’d like with yourself and your world, and with others.
- How you’d like to feel, reading your email.
“It is wonderful to understand that what we hold in our mind as a focus aligns powerful and automatic forces to open our perceptions and harness energy. The bad news is that we no longer have any excuses for not utilizing that awareness.”
What if…we spend just a few minutes at the beginning of each day aligning our mind?(revisit it as needed)
Transformation: It’s Counter-Intuitive
Tricia is an active administrative assistant with a desire to accomplish tasks and bring excellence to the organization. As a mother and grandmother she has journeyed life long enough that she now finds herself more secure in her womanhood and in her support role. That doesn’t mean that she is stuck in mindless routines. She approaches her work with a desire for excellence and intentionality. While readily admitted she has control issues, she is open to transformation and welcomes the opportunity of self-improvement.
When working with a personal coach recently, Tricia listened intentionally as he shared with her the process of transformation, “It’s not about trying harder. Rather it’s about training.” Hearing the words her face betrayed her confusion. He continued, “Transformation from the inside-out is about putting rhythms in your life that quiet your spirit and give clarity. Actually, it’s about creating space.”
Wondering if that put more pressure on her and would add to her stress Tricia pushed back, “But than means more work, doesn’t it?” The coach welcomed the question, “It may seem like it,” pausing to let the moment sink in. ”Actually it is about being less in control and more open. When we create space for quiet reflection we start to become mindful. We become aware of the intensity of our emotions, the quickness of our reactions, and how we carry ourselves in relation to others. It just won’t happen if we don’t create space.”
Transforming our interior world is giving intentional effort to the areas of our life we often take for granted.
What if…we created more space for some inner transformation?
A Secret Worth Sharing
“Can you keep a secret?”
That’s a loaded question. I find myself physically shrinking when it’s asked of me; knowing most of the time the one who asks wants to reveal some bit of juicy gossip meant to harm rather than do good.
Is there ever a secret worth sharing?
Years ago, a simple yet compelling book was written by Ken Blanchard entitled, The Secret. Like many of his books it’s written as a parable with the hope that principles will not only be understood but implemented, especially by leaders. The secret is clearly stated but profoundly challenging to live out. Here’s the interchange from the book:
“What’s the secret of great leaders? she asked.
“The secret is, great leaders SERVE.” Jeff paused to let the words sink in.
“Serve? What do you mean by that?” Debbie’s tone clearly reflected her disbelief. “Leaders don’t serve, they lead!”
Unfortunately, this is a challenge anyone faces who leads – whether you are leading a team, work group, project, or an entire organization. Whenever power is granted there is something that seems counterintuitive about serving. Yet serving is the key.
Leaders need to continually ask themselves the question, “Why am I leading?”
Blanchard states, “motivation and intention is a character issue.” If we lead with the intention of serving others we will lead a fundamentally different way. Our motivation will not be self-serving but centered on giving ourselves away so that others will benefit and the common good is realized: progress is made, the organization and the people achieve results.
While serving is an intuitive concept, serving isn’t about being “touchy-feely” as some of my friends say. In fact, Josh Spiro writes in his 09.31.10 Inc. article that servant leadership “clashes with many of the values instilled by modern American culture.” We a culture fascinated with a more power-wealth-fame-model of leadership.
Serving is a mindset by which you seek to pour into others. There is no perfect style or method of serving. The beauty of humanity is that each one of us can serve and that makes our style unique and equally effective. We also have the privilege of reading stories of people who have chosen to serve and, because they did, made significant impact in the lives of others:
- Martin Luther King, Jr. – long before his “I have a dream” speech he spent his time with conversing about the plight of injustices and why it was important to take a stand in order that justice could be realized. He preached, he listened, and he locked arms on a bridge…all to set the stage for the day on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.
- Mother Teresa – a man who met her told me that she exuded a powerful energy. She may have been slight in stature but she lived fully out of a desire to serve others. She once said, “If you can’t fed a hundred people, then feed just one.”
- Nelson Mandela – few people would have imagined that this anti-apartheid activist could have made a contribution from a prison cell; his home for twenty-seven years. He embraced a form of leadership unknown to most in our culture. He referred to himself as a shepherd, “A shepherd stays behind the flock, letting the most nimble go out ahead, whereupon the others follow, not realizing that all along they are being directed from behind.”
Three highly influential leaders: different personalities, styles, and locations. Yet, they are very similar. They transcended short-term goals and focused on higher order intrinsic needs. What was their secret? They knew that great leaders serve.
Robert Greenleaf, the father of servant leadership wrote, “It begins with a natural feeling that one wants to serve, to serve first. Then conscious choice brings one to aspire to lead.”
What if...we stayed more attuned to our desire to serve, to serve first?
Life Below the Waterline
Growing up in southwest Michigan I remember the sights, smells, and events of the fall. From Harvest Days to apple picking, from walks on the piers to bonfires, it’s just a great time of year. Another scene I remember is when the marinas take in the boats for winter storage. During the boating season we see top-side: the shine, amenities, and uniqueness of each water craft. But this act exposes another essential function of the boat; unseen in the water but critical to its success. Laymen call it the “underside,” most know it as the hull. Each form has a unique shape that give it certain handling and performance characteristics. But one thing is certain, it is of utmost importance.
As I continue to research for my presentation on transformational leadership I repeatedly read from authors the importance of inner transformation – life below the waterline:
- Robert Quinn, “When people alter their interior world, they also alter their exterior world.” Building the Bridge as You Walk on It
- Kevin Kushman, “Our ability to grow as a leader is based on our ability to grow as a person.” LEADERSHIP From The Inside Out
- Ken Blanchard in his book The Secret: What Great Leaders Know – and D0, paints the picture of an iceberg and its makeup below the surface.
The implications are clear: be aware of your inner life – life below the waterline. I was introduced to this analogy years ago. At times I’ve been uniquely aware of it and other times I’ve sadly ignored the principles. However, my alignment doesn’t change the time-tested truth. I’m just asked to make the choice to live according to what is right, and ultimately works.
A decade ago Dee Hock, founder and former CEO VISA credit card association rocked the leadership world when he proposed if leaders truly understood the system they were asked to lead they would make the unconventional choice to manage the right people with the right energy. He suggested that leaders spend fifty percent of their time managing themselves. How could this be with deadlines and profits hanging in the balance? He wrote in an article entitled, The Art of Chaordic Leadership, “The first and paramount responsibility of anyone who purports to manage (or lead) is to manage self: one’s own integrity, character, ethics, knowledge, wisdom, temperament, words, and acts. It is a complex unending incredibly difficult, oft-shunned task. We spend little time and rarely excel at self-management precisely because it is much more difficult than prescribing and controlling the behavior of others. However, without management of self, no one is fit for authority no matter how much they acquire, for the more authority they acquire the more dangerous they become.” Those are poignant words for anyone in any type of leadership position.
Self-management is making the choice to spend time below the waterline.
It tends to be a bit easier and certainly quicker to spit and polish the surface materials – our persona. The difficult work of our inner world doesn’t respond to a quick fix and is certainly not easy.
What does focusing on life below the waterline require?
We need to step away from the routine and examine whether:
- Our behaviors are aligning our values
- We are making decisions based on our purpose or mindlessly reacting to people and events
- We are treating people with value and dignity or like objects to manipulate
- We are genuinely serving people or seeking to be served first
- We are “leaking” goodness or rudeness
The list could continue and should. That’s the gift and challenge of inner transformation. It is a life-long process of becoming instead of achieving.
What if…we spent more time giving attention to our life below the waterline?
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