Who’s Watching the Margins?
The current economic status of most organizations and households has given a new perspective on the importance of margins. Barely a week goes by when a conversation doesn’t include some reference to how all of us are managing the new reality of lower margins. Therefore, we measure the margins, control the margins, manage the margins, hold people accountable to the margins, blah, blah, blah!
There is a margin few people talk about! 
The margin of our time; that’s right, very rarely do we give any attention to the margins of our time.
What our culture celebrates, either consciously or subconsciously are busy, jam-packed schedules. Calendars are full. We fall into bed exhausted or in some cases it begins on the couch the first time we sit down for the evening. We wake up in the morning dreading the appointments, the practices, and the commitments that await us. Our life is so full there is little margin. People tell me, “It’s just crazy!”
When I was in college and grad school I prided myself in my ability to manage margins. Every paper I wrote, and there were dozens, I became more skilled at making sure there were plenty of margins, with ALOT to spare; I would get maximum use out of the margins.
Upon graduation, I bought into the norm that margins were bad. Only lazy people had margins. Hard-working, driven, career-minded professionals filled their margins. And so, I adapted by filling my margins. I prided myself on my ability to have no space in my calendar: top, bottom, sides were full. It became my way of measuring usefulness: my margins were as full as, if not fuller than yours.
Over ten years ago someone introduced me to the writing of Richard Swenson, Restoring Margin to Overloaded Lives. Subsequently, he has written other books on margin. He actually called my lifestyle an “Overload Syndrome.” I didn’t know whether to be offended or complimented by his claim. That is, until I started studying his principles, “Margin is the amount available beyond that which is needed. It is something held in reserves…” Uh?
I felt like I was in a entering in a Twelve Step program for Margin-less Addicts. I had to work every step; the first was admitting that I had a problem with the whole concept of having reserves in my life that would create emotional and relational health.
After twelve years of confronting my overloaded life head-on and working the steps of recovery – yes, steps four and five were brutal as I had to confess to my family what my margin-less career life meant for them – I am learning the joy of having space. In fact, I’m learning that creating space is one of the best gifts I can give to myself and to others.
Don’t get me wrong, there are moments when I look at my calendar and am tempted to think that my identity might have deeper meaning if only it were more full. Then I take a deep breath and pause, and remember that being overloaded is far from a badge of honor.
What if…we decided to manage the margins of our time?
Relational Maturity: Detached Interdependence
Relationships are hard work! Yes, the synergy of more than one is exponential and the camaraderie of many is fulfilling. However, the ying to all of that positive yang is the challenge of being in relationship with people.
It’s more than clashing with egos and navigating strong opinions. It is also evidenced in the way we make conscious or sub-conscious choices to set boundaries or ignore the boundaries of others which leads to emotional enmeshment, co-dependacy, and failed expectations.
To rise above the challenges takes a high level of emotional maturity, and if a group makes that choice collectively, extraordinary things are likely to happen. It’s called detached interdependence. Here’s how it looks practically…
Consider Phil Jackson, NBA coach with eleven (11) championship rings. How did he manage the relational challenges? He writes in Sacred Hoops, “Yet even in this highly competitive world, I’ve discovered that when you free players to use all their resources – mental, physical, and spiritual – an interesting shift in awareness occurs. When players practice what is known as mindfulness – simply paying attention to what’s actually happening – not only do they play better and win more, they also become more attuned with each other. And the joy they experience working in harmony is a powerful motivating force that comes from deep within, not from some coach pacing along the sidelines, shouting obscenities into th air.”
Robert Quinn, professor at the Ross School of Business – University of Michigan, notices in his book, Building Bridges as You Walk on It that Jackson “paints two contrasting pictures.” One picture is the frenzied coach who tends to be the “model of good, hard-nosed leadership,” even though he/she looks a bit emotionally unbalanced. The other picture is of a group with large egos who seems to have surrendered their egos and have become “inner-directed and other-focused.” That may seem like a picture from the dream world instead of the “real” world until you consider the legacy of a coach like Jackson. How many rings?
Detached interdependencee means that I transcend my need to be control, to become emotional enmeshed with others, having every little circumstance dictate my feelings, and remain on the verge of rage. In short, being a reactive person.
Instead, it’s about adopting a process whereby we can be both humble and strong. When we are in the state of detached interdependence we have clarity of purpose and we are not defined by our relationships. I often use the phrase: confidently humble. Again, inner-directed and other-focused; experienced by others as relational maturity.
What if we pursued such relational maturity?
What if we know our mission; having a clear purpose?
I would propose we would not only be true to ourselves we would also model a life of authenticity and credibility to others!
Are You Anxious? (Can You Identify with the JetBlue Flight Attendant?)
Whether or not you have any interest in studying organizational and behavioral theory most of us find ourselves in the midst of workplace situations that at times annoys us enough to spike our blood pressure, leads us to gossip, or in extreme cases – like the JetBlue flight attendant – might motivate us to cuss someone out, grab two beers, and pull the chute. In any case we are faced with a decision to ride it out, consult the HR department, or confront the “situation” (person) head on. None of those guarantee freedom from anxiety.
Jeffrey Miller begins his book The Anxious Organization with this simple premise, “If you work in any organization at all, you work in an anxious organization. How do I know for sure? There is no other kind. All organizations are anxious organizations.” Oh great! That’s encouraging! So I read further, “Anxiety is the instinctive response of any living organization to a perceived threat…Anxiety is simple a state of alert, of heightened readiness to respond.”
With all the external and internal forces slamming into organizations like an atomic reactor no wonder there’s anxiety. Many organizations learn how to deal with external forces like competition, revenue, customer demands, skilled workers, et cetera. However, most internal threats are not “named and openly discussed by leaders.” Depending on the leadership they are either ignored or legislated leaving people with real emotions with no clear outlets for dealing with their anxiety in a healthy way. Our rational mind says, “Get over it! Suck it up! Move on!” while our emotional system screams, “Unfair! This needs to be fixed! I can’t handle this any longer!” Miller suggests that individuals and organizations can function most effectively if we choose to notice our feelings and then, learn to think about the emotional system. Got it! A key to a healthy well-being both personally and organizationally is deal with emotions. What does that mean?
What if the malcontent who is causing us discomfort gets fired, would we be less anxious? No!
What if our boss suddenly hires a therapist, would we be less anxious? No!
What if we controlled everyone at work, would we be less anxious? Nice try…but no!
You know what’s coming. The real issue is US; the way we handle our own anxiety no matter what may be happening around us or to us. This is more than just taking care of ourselves, which is truly important. More than that, the decision we make to control our own anxiety will impact the organization. In fact, Miller goes this far, “Any member of an organization can change the system by changing their own behavior.”
The First Step (aka Establishing a Boundary)
If we want to be serious about facing our own anxiety and dealing with it in a healthy way the first step is to ask the right question. The wrong question is, “What can I do without making someone mad? Translated, “How can I control the reactions of people?” Ouch…that may sting but it’s the truth. We must grasp the reality that there is nothing we can do without incurring someone’s displeasure. There are no painless solutions to anxiety, whether our own or the organization’s.
Therefore, the first step is to take responsibility. Miller calls it “taking an I-Position: An I-Position states what you believe to be true and valid despite the emotional pressures of the situation.” Not only does this posture leave us taking ownership of our own emotions it let’s others know how we will respond going forward.
This does not give us a license to manipulate, bully, or cast away compassion. Rather, it is gives us freedom to look past the issues and bring our best healthy self to any situation, no matter how volatile it may be.
Is this easy? By no means, it may even raise our anxiety a bit as we try to sort out the issues. But if we choose to stick with it, the underlying issues that fuel the conflicts will become more evident because we chose to be responsible for our own anxiety. Our responsible decision will impact the organization in a positive way.
Are you willing to take the first step? What I-Position do you need to make?
Working With You is KILLING ME! [Boundaries]
continuing our thoughts from “Working With You is Killing Me”
UNHOOKING is a life-long skill we may never master but can indeed practice. It begins with boundaries.
Boundaries can cause a visceral reaction.
When I travel in northern Michigan and see a fence protecting the rolling hills of a farmland I perceive it as scenic and serene. When I see the barbed wire fence of a maximum security prison I perceive it as security and harsh. Similar reactions can happen when we talk about relational boundaries.
Boundaries are lines or parameters that define territory and protect its inhabitants. Whether you personally accept boundaries as suggestions or as permanent markers of demarcation, they exist for the purpose of safety and security in order to maintain peace. Boundaries are essential to relational well-being.
Interpersonal Boundaries are the lines or parameters that define and protect the physical, emotional, and psychological territory between individuals.
- Boundaries are invisible and they are different from person to person.
- Because they are imperceptible to the human eye and differ from person to person boundaries must be communicated.
So often we wonder why people don’t “get” our boundaries or are put off by them. Their reaction of wonderment or frustration – bordering on anger – could be fueled by our lack of communication about the boundaries we are seeking to put into place. Boundaries must be communicated. They cannot be assumed. We cannot just hope that somehow people who are unaware of how they’ve “crossed our boundary line” would absorb our boundaries by osmosis. In order not to be perceived as aloof or uncaring we must clearly and repeatedly communicate our boundaries. This doesn’t mean that our boundaries will be accepted or even understood. They just have to be communicated.
However, before we communicate our boundaries we need some self-reflection.
Boundaries to Consider and Questions to Ask?
Time Boundaries: Some people schedule their lives by time while others see time as a suggestion. For instance, the meeting at 10 am can begin anytime between 10 am and 10:30 am. The question is, “What is my relationship to time? How do I honor time boundaries?”
Personal Space Boundaries: Some people are more distant while others want a form of communal living. The question is, “How clear am I about my personal space? How can I communicate that to others while honoring their space?”
Keeping Your Word Boundaries: Some people live by the motto “you’re only as good as your word,” while others see verbal commitments as fluid. The question is, “How do I feel about being honest and living up to any commitment I make?”
Personal Information Boundaries: Some people like to “tell all” while others keep personal information closer to “the vest.” The question is, “How much information is really enough to share? Does it determine whom I am with?”
Emotional Expression Boundaries: Some people wear their emotions on their sleeve and vent regularly while others disguise it. The question is, “How important is it for me to be a person who is emotionally more on an even keel?”
Manners/Courtesy Boundaries: Some people view personal greetings as a waste of time while others communicate them regularly. The question is, “What does being cordial mean to me? How do I want to treat others?”
Noise Boundaries: Some people are comfortable with a noisy environment while others feel a bit assaulted by sounds. The question is, “How aware am I of my environment and how I affect others?” (How apropos since a few minutes ago someone came into Uptown Coffeehouse and filled the entire 2,000 square feet with her booming conversation…oblivious to the rest of the patrons! I contemplated giving her my business card but didn’t want to violate boundaries…Ha!)
Facing your conscious or unconscious boundaries takes honest reflection and is best done under the watchful eye of wisdom by someone you’ve entrusted enough to speak to you the kind truth. After this type of reflection you may have a clearer idea of your boundaries. Then, you can begin the all-important task of communicating them. Might I suggest being vividly practical by asking, “I’ve been thinking about the role of boundaries lately and I need to talk with you about it, are you open?”
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mark@whatifenterprises.com
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